Riddle: You are in a room with three monkeys ... one has a banana, one has a stick, and one has nothing but gaslighting, snarky comments. Who is the smartest primate?

Answer: You, you magnificent primate!

See, no matter how misleading Monkey is, no matter how he tries to gaslight you are smarter. You see through the condescending trickery and psych warfare. You will outsmart Monkey one day, even if it feels a Sisyphean at times. Ask Kirsten Pagacz, a.k.a. Kirsten Weirdsten. She not only dominated her Monkey, but trained him to do her bidding, not the other way around, when necessary. Subduing this trcikster presented her with the strength and confidence, not to mention extreme exposure therapy, to pull off Monkey's mask and show the world what he really was: OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Experiencing the constriction and robbery of OCD from childhood and only coming to understand it in her Thirties, Kirsten chose to write her tale, share her journey, the awful and the wonderful, to help you, or someone you love, kick Monkey out of the driver's seat and stick him in the sidecar where he belongs.    

Kirsten Pagacz is a unicorn. Professionally, it all started with a B.A. in Communications leading to an impressive background in Entertainment: learning every skill from writing, photography, directing, set design, schmoozing and even driving limos, and spinning all those plates within every venue of Entertainment from local cable commercials to A-list music gigs ... including singing on-stage with Sting and dining with K.D. Lang. Then, one day, that all seemed simultaneously boring and maddening. So, why not feed a mad love of retro and vintage goodies into a business ... starting with making jewelry and selling it to the Rockabilly scene at car shows and street fairs? Sounds reasonable to Moi.      

Smash-cut to: Big Chief in Charge at Retroagogo.com, married to her college-sweetums, artist Doug P'gosh - the man she describes as The Professor from Gilligan's Island (hubba hubba! - and slaying the retro business world like Red Sonja, swashbuckling hither and thither, conquering conventions, global distribution, podcast guest-spots, marketing reels, sky-high sales and even plane-rides with the slowest inchworms and loudest babies in the sky. A fascination with antiques kitsch and yesteryear led her to her true joy and whilst she's crushing concept-to-completion in her biz, every bit the high-powered, Melanie Griffith Working Girl, she has the soul of a happy toddler. This is my kind of gal. TCB in a tutu and Docs if she chooses and stopping at a thrift store on her way to the bank with a cartload of those cartoon bags with $$$ stamped on them. If there were Olympic medals for not-adulting, she and I would be those fierce competitors whom drive each other to greatness. We'd duke it out to the gold platform: probably sword-fighting via our Barbies and shouldering each other off the platform with our kick-ass, bad-broad, Joan Crawford suits and 1940s jawlines. Then, regardless of whom won the gold, we'd go out for Dirty Shirleys in San Diego's Gaslamp District. I imagine. We've never met IRL, only via texts, Insta and email; but she's a fellow dorkette, to be sure.

Of course, this is all happy ending stuff; and you can't have a quality book, or book review, sans some strife and struggle in the beginning. So, in the beginning ...

Peace and mental stillness can e stronger than OCD, and that is what OCD doesn't want you to hear. I love busting OCD! I have heard it said that submission can lead to rebellion, and I am living proof that this can be true. - Kirsten Pagacz, "Leaving the OCD Circus"

Many of you have monkeys. That's the beauty of this book: ig monkeys, small monkeys, mischievous monkeys or just plain, mea taskmaster monkeys, Kirsten's book is helpful on any level, for anyone whom wishes to to e, mostly, monkey-free. 

Confession: Yours Truly has, if not a full circus, a little sideshow of her own going on, all with fabulous, 1920s-style carnival costuming. Whilst I am grateful I have none of the consequence-based OCD issues (fear that bad things will happen if I do or don't __________), I do have a few tiny monkeys, mostly related to organization - wardrobe, kitchen cupboards, sock and t-shirt drawers and things like refrigerator magnets, tablescaping and silverware set just so - all things I am happy to continue fussing over, because it makes for a beautiful home, but am aware not to fixate, wherein it could get in the way of actual living. For example: making the house lovely for guests, but not obsessing to the point where I can't enjoy my guests. Once the house is done and I'm dressed, what's done is done. Pour me a drink sugar. It's time to play! Ditto for leaving the house for outings like parties, road trips, holidays abroad or events like Comic-Con. Once I'm on the train or plane, or in the car, I can't change my clothes, buy a better cosplay wig or lose that extra three pounds. Let's hit Starbucks and then Lewis & Clark this shit!   

Other events in the JennyPop Sideshow include regularly checking screen doors are closed, due to the fact we live in an area with sooooooo many lizards; I love the little creatures; I just don't want them in my closet, trying on my vintage gloves. Monitoring my weight is a daily check; although as of late, I'm better about skipping a few days hither and thither, especially if I've been playing too hard. I have a specific goal weight, with zero room for adjustment. I am always with two to five of it. I am doing better about accepting a four-pound range, rather than a specific, digital numeral. 

Double-checking the front door is clicked and bolted when we leave the house is a must and will not ever change. More accurately, I must ask The Viking, "Are you sure it's clicked?", every time. Every. Single. Time. Poor guy. This is what Kirsten calls "things a normal person would do": checking once or twice that the house is safe. For, we did have an incident, wherein our pup escaped. She was happily found, lazing in the sunny, beach air, in a neighbour's yard, having had pancakes for dinner the night before; but, still, what a nightmare 12hrs for us! (Full disclosure: it was his freind's fault. They went to the beach whilst I was at Comic-Con and his friend was the last one out the door, the unclicked, inlocked, unclosed door.)

Finally, admittedly there exists a leeeeetle bit of anxiety where elevators, planes and small spaces are concerned, even the backseat of a Bentley: a 2-door, not the 4-door models. None of these are enough to keep me from doing stuff or going anywhere, but I have used Kirsten's book to help me learn to talk my way out of a pending panic attack, rare as they may be, using what she calls her Kung Fu Dance: see wicked dance moves below. (Hey, kid! No need to peek through the knot-hole in the fence, step inside the JennyPop sideshow tent! to see the amazing dork in-person!) So, I tell you these things not for attention, judgement or pity, but for street cred, to share that whilst the whole book in question may not be applicable to me, I have read it, ruminated over it and processed it as not only a fellow author in appreciation of a good story, but as a primate sometimes in need of a little help.    

Leaving the OCD Circus: Your Big Ticket out of Having to Control Every Little Thing by Kirsten Pagacz is not fairly categorized as a self-help book; although is helpful on so many facets. Leaving is more of a memoir in the style of David Sedaris or Steve Martin. Like the best guest at a cocktail party, Kirsten is a ranconteuse of the finest order: employing self-deprication, modesty, generosity of spirit and a natural talent for anecdotal hilarity. Her written journey is peppered with humility and deference, never playing the annoying, know-it-all expert. Like that cocktail party star, Kirsten doesn't just regale you with her adventures, she intermittently poses in-depth questions of you, her reader. That is the mark of a true storyteller: listening, as well as sharing. Kirsten avoids directives and absolutes. She is endearingly questioning and wondering, even in her areas of expertise. The only time you will read an absolute, is when she is encouraging you, the reader, to keep pressing through the rushes, that your OCD, and life, WILL get better, if you do the work.

Book cover pic -----

Leaving the OCD Circus is organized, as you might expect, very well. Like a proper college essay, she says what she's going to say (Introduction), says it (Chapters 1 - 8), then says what she said (Chapter 9: Habits of Happiness). Chapters are set chronologically, starting with Chapter 1: A Budding Relationship: The New Stranger and the Invitation, 1975: Nine Years Old (OCD Arrives). It is a fascinating read, to see how an innocent child, one totally unaware of the concepts of clinical psychology or neurology can be tricked and affected by this insidious monkey. Her earliest introduction to OCD, involved simple "games", like tapping: tapping x-number of times, on various surfaces, with very specific areas of the forefinger and sans interruption. If she didn't get to said-number, she not only failed, but was a failure, and had to start again. At first, unaware the thoughts were even hers, she named her OCD, The Stranger. Later,she personified it as Monkey or, the really mean, unrelenting version, The Sargeant. Stranger, Money or Sargeant, they all provided her with tasks and games that made sure to suck her time and life, leaving her very little time or life to actually live. 

These kinds of tasks and games can be helpful, say, if moderated and if you're a dancer, a musician, a medical student, a Ph.D. candidate or a kick-ass parent and you need to nail your daily goals. For a little girl trying to escape the awkwardness of visits with her hippie, love-in kind of weekend-dad, these games started off as helpful distractions, but led to more unyielding directives from the booming, unrelenting voice of The Sargeant, in her psyche. 

Was the guy in the car next to her a serial killer? Maybe, said Monkey. If you make sure you pick up that piece of trash on the side of the road, he won't kill you.

Is the house going to burn down and kill your whole family? Probably, said The Sargeant. If you make sure every electrical cord in the house is straight and lined up against the basebaords or counters, you'll save their lives.

Is a serial killer waiting to go in the house, hide and wait for your mom to come home so he can kill her? Pretty sure he is, Monkey chimed in. If you check the deadbolt thrity-three times, Mom'll be safe.

Kirsten describes not so much the catalysts for her OCD - for she was likely unaware at the time of its eary on-set - but the eras in which it blossomed and in jaw-dropping detail, commanding your undivided attention. From Chapter 2: OCD Like a Brush Fire: High School (Checker Maximus), OCD: 1980 - 1984) onward, Kirsten takes you on a very detailed, intimate journey through the decades. Like the Ghost of Christmas Past, she takes your hand as you fly from a cringing childhood to beyond-awkward high school to uncomfortably real Twenties and Thirties, to an "Oh, thank goodness!" kind of relief as she finds herself, her husband, her business and a true name for her affliction (OCD) as she enters the Miillenium.

I will note, some of her recalls and stories are uncomfortable and heart-wrenching: some as an adult making poor choices; some as an innocent child in the unfortunate company of adults making very bad, likely illegal choices. Those are her stories to share, via her book; they are not mine to share, via my platform. Read the book, if you want the full-Kirsten. 

Throughout the book, there are lists, the author's own poems and even little worksheets, should you choose to use them, to identiify your own Monkey or Sargeant. Most wild though, are the lists of Can't Dos and Must Dos. 

• Can't have certain things confine or touch: must wear size 10 shoe, even though wears an 8, so it doesn't touch toes 
• Can't touch newspaper
• Can't eat sans a calorie count, over and over
• Can't use certain pens: some are unlucky and will ring bad luck to her and her loved ones
• Must check purse every fifteen minutes: incl. reorganizing and memorizing contents
• Must check all electrical cords for straightness throughout house before leaving house
• Must check burners over and over

Not my monkeys pic

     Beyond her anecdotes, which alone are worth the read, there is hope. Her light at the end of the tunnel was a happenstance advert her husband, Doug, heard on NPR, as he listened in his art studio one day when he and Kirsten lived in NorCal. When Kirsten returned home that day from work, a half-day even, he told her what he'd heard. The sixty-second spot went something like this, Kirsten recalls: Do you or someone you know obsess about thingsand can't seem to let them go? Does compulsive behaviour interfere with your life? If so, then you may e suffering from obsessive-compusive disorder.

"His name was Dr. Kalb. I immediately called his office." Baby steps. "He's going to meet with me today!" I said and fell into {my husband's} arms. "I think I can drive myself, if I can just stop crying." ug Baby steps to the elevator, baby steps to the bus, baby steps to a better life. Like Dr. Leo Marvin to her Bob, but kind and caring, Dr. Kalb used Exposure Therapy to help Kirsten through her OCD. The homework was difficult, extensive, sad, hopeful and, in the beginning, angering. "I've been fucking robbed!" Kirsten realized, via her homework. Years of life, taken from her by Monkey, by The Sargeant, by her own passive, puppeted actions. 

It is not simply humility and good manners that keeps Kirsten humble in her domination of OCD; it is pragmatism. She has dominated, but to do so, there must be an object to dominate. Kirsten fully admits she will never be free of Monkey, just that she knows how to handle him and demoting him to a useful minion named Chimpsay puts her fully in charge. She drives the motorbike and Chimpsay sits in the sidecar, waiting to be told where they're going and he will do once there, if anything. 

In the course of her therapy, Dr. Kalb told Kirsten, "It's great when sufferers can reach the point where they say, 'I'm willing to take the hit of anxiety, in order to free myself, so I can live in accord with what's really important in my ife. I'm willing to put my energy into tolerating doubt and uncertainty, instead of squashing it, so I can move in the direction of my values."

Everyone has something, a fear or anxiety, real or imagined, that can either drive you, or drive you underground. For some it's a pursuit of better and FOMO can be a great catapult in higher education, professional advancement, physical excellence or artistic recognition. Conversely, that drive can e just enough to overwhelm and keep you so far from your life that even the simplest things become "someday" dreams. For kKirsten, just leaving a voicemail message was terrifying and a ridiculous time-suck. Now, she's Big Chief in Charge at Retroagogo! You, too, can be Big Chief in Charge at __________!

Kirsten lists yoga amongst her "Habits of Happiness". On a personal note, I can attest to the almighty joy of yoga. For approximately ten years, I have been following Boho Beautiful yogi, Juliana ____. Every practice I get better, stringer and more bendy. Of course, it is not about being bendy or fit enough to wear whatever kind f cosplay you want. (Although, because I adore style - vintage clothes, current trends and cosplay - fitness for fashion is a large part of what drives me.) Yoga is about connecting with the present moment, letting go of what has happened, because you cannot change that, and the fantasy or conjecture of what could happen in the future. What matters is now and yoga with its meditative qualities and all-intensive engagement, especially if you're trying Bird of Paradise or Flying Crow, keeps you fully in the now. Meditation is harder; it's easy to drift off and think about other things: good and bad things. What's for dinner? What should I wear for Comic-Con this year? Are they even having Comic-Con this year? Should I cut my hair like Lady Mary on Downton Abbey? Maybe I should bleach my hair like Marilyn Monroe. How would I look as a blonde? We're all out of yoghurt. What if FreshPet goes out of business? What will I fed my dog, then?! Are they still making new Ghost Adventures episodes? 

Life is fabulous, exhausting and brilliant. Would that there was enough time to read every book, learn every language, perfect every dance style and drink every bottle of Cab, all with your favourite people. Well, as Kirsten says, Dum vivimus vivamus! Let us live while we are alive! Let's do this! 

Follow all the Freaky Goodness!

@JennyPopCom

@kirsten_pagacz_author

@retroagogogear

Hey, Look Out! Kirsten's OCD Traits Quiz: a Sampling of Questions

• __________ creates thoughts and scenarios tht are not true.
• __________ sets the trap, is an alarmist, and will do whatever it takes to get your attention.
• __________ calls you names. For example, Monkey used to call me, Fucking Idiot.
• __________ does "fear casting" about catastrophic future events. Fear casting is her brand of radio.
• __________ tries to get you to fixate on things.
• __________ is a validator and validates your obsessions.
• __________ is the master of illusion and delusion.
• __________ gras a thought, finds and entry point and says, "Let's freak out!" It is random and it is powerful. She picks the topic and sounds the alarms (causing fear and anxiety, both big motivators.)

 Kirsten's Kung Fu Dance Moves: Roundhouse that OCD!

• Accept
• Focus
• Identify
• Breathe and Pause
• Greet
• Stay Aware
• Agree
• Remember
• Forgive

*Note: Breathe and Pause is when you redirect your thoughts/fear/anxiety and transform toward your big, happy life! Remember is when you reinforce what that big happiness is: big or small, immediate reward, like dinner with friends or landing at the airport in Paris or Vienna and having a fabulous trip; or far-off goals like your M.D., Ph.D. or maybe even a wedding to come!! 

Product details