From the start The Darlings of Orange County reads like a film: pirates, sexy Swedes, beautiful surfers, brooding femme fatale brunettes and volatile redheads running amok amidst the sunny and sandy shores and stores of Newport, Laguna and Dana Point. Natch, any writer will tell you their book should be a narrative film. Yet, clearly some scream for the marquis lights more than others. I mean, just look at the cover art!

Here's the question I posit to those of you whom have read the book: who do you envision in the various roles? Sure, many of the main and supporting characters are dysfunctional, self-obsessed, superego, mendacious murderers, drug dealers and all-around finks; yet, like any good Anne Rice novel, most of them are also hiding some innate goodness and are preternaturally beautiful, without aesthetic flaw. They are mathematically perfect specimens with hearts of bronze.

Suffice it to say there's an opening or two for the likes of Brad Pitt (Kalifornia-Brad, not Benjamin Button-Brad), Matthew McConaughey, Zach Galifianakas, Parker Posey, Adrianne Curry, Anne Hathaway, Ed Helms, Sofia Vergara and the like. Bien-sur, scribbled on a Hello Kitty piece of notepaper, I have my definitive actor wishlist: distinct actors paired with specific characters. Oh sure, I suppose I'll have to sign Johnny Depp, Robert Downey, Jr., Conan O'Brien and some of the other stars dotted throughout the pages. Still, who's your John Everyman playing Pardo, Ryan or Tucker; who's the Betty-next--door playing Veronica, Kieran, Astrid or Sasha?

As far as Chet Darling goes, the scruffy, sketchy, Captain Ronesque land-pirate who lives on a broken down yacht in Dana Point harbor, subsisting by making canvas covers for boats and costumes for Renaissance Faire folk? It's Zach Galifianakis (The Hangover, Muppets Most Wanted) and only Zach on my dream casting list.

Clearly, the title needs to lap dance on the right people.  If you were the right lap, who would you cast? Head to Amazon's The Darlings of Orange County forum to see whom other readers envision and let your wishes and fantasies be known! If you're shy, you can even just write us a note here at our Contact page; we'll pass it along to Jerry Bruckheimer personally! Tell Hollywood it's time to bring some H-town sizzle to the shores of the O.C. (Psst. BTW, don't call it that.) Film rights still available. Tweet

"Early, tell me more 'bout California."

"Let's see. One thing, people think faster out there on account of all that warm weather. Cold weather make people stupid an' that's a fact."

"I guess that explains why there's so many stupid people 'round here."

-Kalifornia

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It all depends on your comedic make-up, your ability to compute and process dark humour plus your general filmic Intelligence Quotient. Is Kalifornia funny? No. It is, in fact, as any Guy Ritchie-driven character will tell you, bloody brilliant. It's also become far too close to home for me. I've got to get back home, back to Kali because, Jebus, there are an awful lot of stupid people 'round here.

P.S. Nobody here thinks I'm funny.