Quoting Emily's House authoress, Natalie Wright, "I’m on a quest to build a library of non-swearword urban slang. It’s time to get creative.” she opines. Well, kittens, let me say that curse words and swears may change from generation to generation, era to era; but, they’re all still curse words. However, the beauty of time and nostalgia grants that what was once scandalous and crude, may later be pithy and distinguishing. Tired of the standard, mundane and prosaic F-word, C-word and A-word? Nobody but nobody beats the Elizabethans where the almighty spoken smackdown is concerned. If you’re a history geek and a bit of a Renaissance Faire regular, the Shakespearean mudslinging may be old hat to you. For those not so well-acquainted, you’d do well to expand your insult-vocabulary. You think calling someone a motherf%$*&@ is scurrilous? Find, “F*%# you, b%$@#!” an affront? Bored. How about, “May your meat pie fester and boil, you dankish, full-gorged shoe-sniffer!”? Try slinging that the next time someone disrespects your online, gaming skills. Maybe, “Your mother’s void is a dribbling, bat-baited maggot-pie.”?

Sure, they might LOL, but that’s all they’ll be able to do. How does one combat barbs like, “Your visage not only stopped a thousand ships, but the Royal Navy has requested the Queen declare your beslubbering death-hole their safe harbor.”? No one beats Shakespearean-age wit and if I know the geek-soul, you pips could care less when piked at the business-end of a good laugh; it’s de rigueur. True victory comes from leaving your opponent devoid of all ammunition when the pith flies. Not sure how to cull this new lingo? You learned Klingon, didn’t you? Same way. There is no try, there is only do or do not. You have the time. Do.

K, not interested in that much work? Help yourself to the Elizabethan Aspersion Grid below. Simply select bits from columns one, two and three ... voila! Go ahead, try it on someone the next time you feel the need to swear. It’s oft been said that overuse of curse words signifies a lack of vocabulary. Well, not where the Elizabethans were concerned. It was a finely honed art form, a battle of wits that lasted well into the 18th Century.

Amongst the menu des plaisirs, (what the French call BCBG: Bon Chic Bon Genre, or what we call The Beautiful People) at the court of Versailles, if you couldn’t keep pace with the flinging of zingers … c’est domage and, peut-être, pack your valise and find yourself a new château. Lord knows where and precisely when the art of the barbed-tongue dropped off so precipitously.

Whilst you’re crafting your historic lexicon of libel, little-used modernisms like panty hamster, tart monkey and foot-licker are always party faves. Need a bit more inspiration? Two emphatic suggestions: Black Adder and Ridicule.

Black Adder (BBC 1982 - 1983): seasons 2 & 3, notably. Rowan Atkinson proffers a healthy dose of supercilious slights from the ale-soused fringes of Queen Elizabeth’s court to the luxe n’ lazy chambers of King George III’s court and his beetle-headed son, the Prince Regent, played brilliantly by Hugh Laurie.

Ridicule (Leconte/Legrand/Waterhouse 1996): one of the finest French films ever produced is a gorgeous yet swampy look at how those with the keenest wit may earn the patronage of the king. All the glam of Sophia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette but dirtied up a bit and melded with the grime and arduous social mobility of AMC’s Hell on Wheels.

Abyssinia, hedge-pigs!

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