What? I didn't do nuthin!

What I do recall is that I woke up on the beach with a solved Rubik's Cube in my Hello Kitty lunchbox, beach squirrels taking pictures of me with tiny Droid phones and an undead monkey sitting on top of me and watching The Office on my Kindle. Where the heck did the Kindle come from?

Hearing The Office theme song play against the crash of the waves snapped me back to reality. I recalled I work in an office, too! I sell paper and live in a small town in Pennsylvania. Life is good there, but the winter's can be harsh and sometimes it's a little boring. Luckily, there are great Irish pubs in Scranton, the town where I live, love and work. Happily, my best friends are also my work mates.



My very favorite people in the office are named Dwight Schrute, Andy Bernard and Erin Hannon. That's not odd for me; some of my best friends have always been guys. (Psst! Guys often just make better friends: no pettiness, no jealousy, no passive-aggressiveness, just fun, jokes, beer and honesty ... except that they usually want to sleep with you. Ha! Good luck!) I also have some friends in the U.K. branch in Slough. Gareth is my pal over there. What a nutter! Softly, softly catch a monkey.

Dwight and I share a lot in common where sci-fi, fantasy, anime and historical-accuracy are involved. Andy and I had very similar upbringings and get on like a couple of old ladies at brunch in the Hamptons. We get each other. I mean, why is it that if you had a wretched childhood you can talk about it all day long; but, if you had a privileged one and you bring up examples, say sailing lessons or birthday cars, people look at you like you're growing a tail? Erin is kind of like a guy, in that she's totally honest, doesn't play mind games and is usually happy. I like happy. I also like Guinness, I think.


I'm not a complete cow. Some women are okay and I do have a few female friends in the office. Angela Martin, Kelly Kapoor and Pam Beesly-Halpert are all excellent company in their own regards. Angela and I are both vegetarians, know what it's like to have be one's own grandmother and she has an amazing collection of lace blouses. I love lace blouses, I think! Kelly and I can shop for hours on end and only she understands the need to know what is going on with Johnny Depp and his girl Vanessa. (What is going on, by the way?) Pam is just sweet and I like that she's an artist. Maybe she can illustrate the graphic novel-iterations of my books someday ... wait a minute. Books. Do I have something to do with books? Well, books are made out of paper, I think. Are they still made of paper? That must be it.

Now, there are a few other fun things about my workplace, like the Office Olympics. See, when our boss, Micahel Sco ... what? Really?

Okay, my Viking is telling me this is all wrong. He said none of this is real and that I, in fact, do not work in a paper supply company. More importantly, we do not live in Scranton, PA. That would explain the ocean view and the beach this morning. Still, what about Andy's garden party at Dwight's beet farm? That was beautiful and I loved Erin's hat! What? Okay, he's saying that wasn't real either. He says I write squirrel books and a little bit of trash. He also says the writing style in this post is weird for me and lacking what he calls my "usual verbosity and sesquipedalian nature". Whaaat? What does sesquipedalaian even mean? Is that even a real word? Is he messing with me? Is that Klingon? Does this have something to do with the undead monkey? What about the Rubik's Cube? Who solved it? Did I? Did the monkey solve it? Gasp! What if I have a genius monkey?!

Now he's telling me I need to rest and that it might be a good idea if I turned off the telly for a while. He's funny. Turn off the TV. Oh, look! I wasn't expecting company! My British pals, Eddie Monsoon and Patsy Stone are here! Now these girls, I like. They are Absolutely Fabulous, I tell you! Break out the BoliStolis, dahlings! (Bollinger champagne and Stolichnaya vodka cocktails, FYI) Wait! Where'd they go? Why are you turning that off? It's all gone black! I don't understand. Maybe he's right; maybe I should rest. I might be seeing things. Can you put King of the Hill on in the background while I fall asleep? Where is the narrator? I always have a narrator.

To quote Renée Zellweger, "I'm confused."